If bagpipe Jokes have ever told, emailed, or otherwise communicated to me a music joke, thank you. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist’s head is so much bigger. What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to. Why are viola jokes so short? His wife replies, “I’d rather have you play me like a harmonica! Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.
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There’s not much room on this page,” he said. Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: “Write your repertoire. Haven’t I seen your face before? You have, Your Honor,” the man answered hopefully. I gave your son violin lessons last winter.
Sell it and buy a violin. How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up and make it into a xylophone. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, “Would you like a moment to tune? The bass player replied with some surprise, “Why? Isn’t it the same as last year?
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: “You are out of tune. The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, “Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight. The first violist turns around and shouts, “You bloody idiot! The pegs have to be parallel! After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom’–well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time.
There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people’s IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, “Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here. So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, “Jeez! I think this guy’s IQ must be about 29!
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He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, “You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while. After the bartender left, the man at the table said, “So do you play French bow or German bow? Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. How long does a harp stay in tune? About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door. What’s the definition of a quarter tone?
I put the organ jokes here because I thought it made sense to put them next to the piano jokes. What does a German Hammond organist do in his life’s most tender moments? He puts his Leslie on “slow”. The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God. Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night? The other replies, “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.
What is a burning oboe good for? What is the definition of a half step? What is the definition of a major second? Two baroque oboes playing in unison. How do you get an oboist to play A flat? How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. What’s the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don’t return it. What’s the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, “Honey, I think you better pull out now. Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. What’s the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation.
She said, “I looked in the score and it said `tacit’–so I took it! Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still. It’s easier to improvise on a chainsaw. How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone? Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Magic School Bus series by Joanna Cole and Bruce Degen, narrated by Polly Adams and Cassandra Morris
Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes! How do you know when a trombone player is at your door? Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn’t. What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone? What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? Have them miss every other note.
How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes. What is the difference between a french horn section and a ’57 Chevy? You can tune a ’57 Chevy. I did that piece in junior high.
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser? The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing? The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing? I loved the way he held me!
Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm! How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? One to hold the bulb and two to drink ’till the room spins. 2″ unless you request “full cut. How do you fix a broken tuba? So you don’t have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? What did the drummer get on his IQ test? How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. They have a machine to do that.
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Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses? So they don’t disgrace themselves in parades. What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once. Heard backstage: “Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage! In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge.
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But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said “If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal–he’s the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes. Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard–wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes!
Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. Ed gave him the agent’s card and Faisal’s face brightened into a huge smile. You’re just in time–I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment.
But,” gasped Ed, “what about a rehearsal? Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, “Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13. A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please. The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says “All our accordions are over there.
After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner. The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you? The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know? The store owner says, “That `big red accordion’ is the radiator. What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist? How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door? The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
What do bodhran players use for birth control? What’s the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. What’s the difference between a soprano and a pirhana? What’s the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
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She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her. What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat? Some people actually like sewer rats. What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra? Tenors don’t have hair on their backs. How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Isn’t that a little high for you? One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes. What do you see if you look up a soprano’s skirt? How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven’t been touched. How do you put a sparkle in a soprano’s eye?
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea. How do you tell if a bass is dead? How can you tell when the switch has occurred? The “statue” starts looking a bit stiff. How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb? They’re so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: “Don’t forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string. How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better. How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Just leave it out–no one will notice. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source? One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were. Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? What’s the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?