Bizarre and Hilarious Photos That Sum Up All 50 States
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That these continue to be issues of contention saddens me, and it’spartly our fault as critics and journalists for not doing a better jobof explaining what the stakes are. Get your EW TV news Subscribe to EW TV for the latest TV news. All products featured were editorially selected. Think you got what it takes to write for Cracked. Then submit an article or some other pieces of content. Hey, why can’t I vote on comments?
Cracked only offers comment voting to subscribing members. If you’re already an awesome Cracked subscriber, click here to login. The Best, Most Underrated Lines From Shows And Movies, Pt. If prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, stripping may very well be the second oldest — it all depends on exactly when the first uptight humans decided people shouldn’t walk around with their most enticing bits flopping nakedly in the wind.
So Cracked sat down with exotic dancers from across the United States: Emily, Laura, Zoey, Layne, Helen, Meredith, and a male stripper named Salvatore. I’ve had guys finger me unwelcomely, pull their dicks out or their pants off. We’re equipped to deal with it, but it gets shitty when they decide they don’t have to pay because you aren’t doing what they want you to do. I know girls who have been pinned down in champagne rooms. Yeah, there’s something about women who are willing to show off their bodies without shame that enrages a very specific sort of terrible person.
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It’s like they can’t stand the idea of the performer retaining any kind of power at all. If I’m paying to see her body, I should get total access, regardless of what she says. Every customer service job requires dealing with entitled dicks, but we’re guessing you’ve never had to deal with that. Entitled dicks are ten times worse when they’re literal. It’s only a minority of customers — every dancer we talked to said that — but you interact with a lot of customers. That means that women who work at strip clubs will be assaulted at some point in their careers.
And we’re saying that studies show it was 100 percent of the cases they sampled. And then there are the non-violent clients who hand over their tips with a healthy side dish of “crazy. Another of the dancers we spoke to — Zoey — said one customer tipped her with a package of tube socks. Another guy, “always came in with old-school bra and panties sets, trying to give them to the girls.
He just had huge bags in his car full of really ugly lingerie, like something your mom would wear. My curdshake brings all the boys to the yard. If your reaction to all of this is, “Yeah, men sure are terrible! Zoey and Layne both reported women as being more likely to get “handsy. Zoey remembers one girl who, ” was so handsy with all the dancers, and we’re trying to keep her hands off us without seeming like a bitch in front of all these customers.
It’s a few hours’ work for all the sweaty dollar bills that can fit in a G-string. The toll of being on your feet for six to ten hours, basically doing squats and wall sits in heels — it’s going to fuck up your body. My knees crunch and pop when I kneel down now, years later. It’s high-impact exercise, and you’re doing it in fucking heels. Without the DJ music blaring, our joints sound like a fork in a garbage disposal. And remember, stripping is the kind of job that brutally punishes having an “off day. Most of us who aren’t heart surgeons or Special Forces operatives have the option of slouching through the odd day or two at work.
Sometimes you’re in a shitty mood, or just coming down with something, and that can happen occasionally at most jobs without hurting your bottom line. Or, an example from my life, friend dying of cancer? Too bad, rent is coming up. Being able to act is a huge part of the job. Speaking of which, guess what else strippers are required to do all day? Be around alcohol and drunk people, and making everyone involved feel like they’re part of the celebration. So good luck, if you’re the type who has a problem with it.
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But that “no booze” request isn’t as common as employee livers would probably prefer. Half of those women reported using “other substances,” a phrase which here applies to both “smoking some pot” and “straight-up crack addiction. Bear in mind that they’re doing this during a job that involves upside-down 360 spins, six feet in the air, on an oiled pole. How did Earl Warren live with himself? But one consistent sentiment among our dancers was that it’s actually a pretty good gig, all things considered. Although you never have to worry about starving with that many singles.
For instance, no stereotype about women who choose to remove their clothing for money is more prevalent than “you must have daddy issues. You have to have self-confidence to do this job. People who were abused don’t handle being sexualized very well. Usually it’s something you have that makes you good at this job. Again, of course someone in the field might be compelled to lie about that in order to make their job sound better than it is. You can no doubt find plenty of stories from strippers who were in fact runaways, or dropouts, or women with low self-esteem who felt they had nothing else to offer the world.
Some of you might even be surprised to talk to one who didn’t fit that profile. But that kind of raises a good point about why, in our society, we consider sex work to be so low and disgusting that doing it is automatically considered a tragedy. You might be thinking, “Hey, I’m an attractive person. I bet I could strip like the dickens if I was willing to do that kind of work. How hard can taking your clothes off and gyrating be? That’s exactly what Laura thought when she started work as a dancer at her local dive bar.
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I’ve been dancing for two hours and you’ve tipped me two bucks. Money directly into my hand, NOW. In other words, a key skill is learning how to simply hang out with clients and make them feel comfortable. Emily says, “A lot of guys would just want you to talk to them, cuddle them. His wife used to lie on top of him when he fell asleep.
So whenever she was away, he’d come in, get a champagne room, and pay for me to lay on top of him so he could sleep — that was the only way he could. Better sleeping with strippers than sleeping with fishes. Laura: “I had a cokehead give a particularly Nice Guy-esque rant when I asked for my money after a three-hour champagne room session. But if I give you my dollars, what will I use to snort this? Also, this is intimate work — and we don’t mean in a physical way. When you’re a sex worker, sometimes you get to be present during pivotal moments in the erotic lives of your clients.
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I was on stage and a couple came in — conservative, middle-aged, they looked extremely uncomfortable. Clearly never been in a club like that before, tentatively looking at the stage, and when I got off, this guy came over and awkwardly said, ‘I’m sorry to bother you miss, but my wife — we’ve been married for 20 some odd years, and I just learned she likes women and she says you’re her dream girl. She was so excited — he watched, she was nervous and shaking. At one point she asked, ‘Can I touch your boobs? By the second song, she was getting really into it, they got excited. Then they were all over each other by the end of the dance.
Hands down each other’s pants, running for the door as fast as they could. This couple had just figured out something new about themselves. Brunch at ten, early bird at four, Wheel at seven, co-eds all night. If it seems weird that the couple was partaking together, well, there’s some evidence that strip clubs actually help the marriages of their patrons. But look, we’re not here to paint an unreasonably rosy picture of the exotic dancing profession.
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No job is without its requisite amount of suck, and you can absolutely wind up getting taken advantage of. Did you know most strippers pay for the privilege of working? 200, depending on the place and what time you show up for your shift. So if it’s slow, and you don’t make that much, you can lose money.
It depends on a lot of things — time of year, club, etc. In December and January, I had several nights in a row of losing money. The reason strippers must pay to work — and the primary source of injustice in the “naked dancing” industry — is the fact that strippers are nearly all independent contractors. See upside-down 360 pole spins from earlier.
Lots of people work as independent contractors in America, but the strippers are in a real gray area here. Under the Fair Labor Standards Act, you can’t be considered an independent contractor if your employer demands a specific hourly schedule, sets a dress code, or determines the price you can charge clients. Now raise your hand if you had an involuntary roll of the eyes just then — is it hilarious, the thought of a bunch of strippers standing before a judge and demanding some basic rights on the job? Again, why do so many fathers wake up in a cold sweat at the thought of their daughter doing this kind of work? Because men treat strippers like shit! We fucking hate them for it. Like, to the point of violence.
Robert Evans’s first book, A Brief History of Vice, is available for pre-order now! 5 Ways Life as a Prostitute is Nothing Like You Expect. Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit. Have a story to share with Cracked?
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It’s the inconsistencies that are the spice of Southern life. Also the food, there’s that too. I mean, have you had Southern food? I’ve never been myself, but whenever I close my eyes and think about Alaskans, I think about people who hunt and trap with one hand while building log cabins with the other. Does Kim Kardashian really sum up everything that’s wrong with British society?
Does Kim Kardashian really sum up everything that’s wrong with modern society? Kim Kardashian is the poster girl for ‘almost everything that is wrong with Western society’, according to a leading headmistress. The reality TV star is part of a culture that glorifies women’s physical appearances over their character, claims Dr Helen Wright, head of a private girls’ boarding school. In a speech tomorrow, Dr Wright will show Miss Kardashian posing in her underwear on the cover of men’s magazine Zoo. The headline, from an edition last month, praises Miss Kardashian as ‘the hottest woman in the world’. It is not too strong a statement, I venture to suggest, to say that almost everything that is wrong with Western society today can be summed up in that one symbolic photo of Miss Kim Kardashian on the front of Zoo magazine,’ Dr Wright will say.
The descent of Western civilisation can practically be read into every curve, of which, you will note, there are in-deed many. Officially the hottest woman in the world? Is this what we want our young people to aim for? Is this what success should mean to them?
Her late father, Robert Kardashian, was a defence lawyer for OJ Simpson in his 1995 murder trial. Dr Wright, head of St Mary’s School, Calne, Wiltshire, will say that Miss Kardashian is famous for her reality TV series, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, ‘for hanging out with the rich and famous, for a sex tape, a 72-day marriage and a rather ample backside’. What is she telling our young people about life? As a society, we have clearly attached a value to her,’ she will say. Messages about physical appearance being more important than character or substance, for instance, or messages about financial rewards coming with meanness, scandal and boundary-less living. Dr Wright will present her warning to the Institute of Development Professionals in Education, whose members help raise funds for schools.
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The pupils in our schools really are soaking up a diet of empty celebrity and superficiality,’ she will say. They are under a huge amount of pressure, buffeted by these images and messages. Dr Wright, the former president of the Girls’ School Association, will also warn that premature sexualisation and the objectification of women is rife on TV, the internet and magazines. I have spoken out a lot over the past two years about the increasing dangers of the premature sexualisation of young people, and the objectification of women which accompanies this. And this is what our young people see around them all the time: online, in magazines, on TV. Schools must lead the way in helping young people understand who they are and instil good values, she will add.
Stephen Lawrence was murdered by a five-strong gang in south London in 1993. The comments below have not been moderated. We are no longer accepting comments on this article. Intimidated by the thought of taming your garden for summer? Rochelle Humes powers through London Marathon as she completes her first 26.
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