Excerpt: ”Stop Me If You”ve Heard This”

Excerpt: ”Stop Me If You”ve Heard This”

19th September 2018OffByRiseNews

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! I remember when I was a little boy, I-I once stole a pornographic book that was printed excerpt: ‘Stop Me If You’ve Heard This’ Braille, and I used to rub the dirty parts.

How much is a copy of Orgasm? Uh, just put ’em in a bag, will ya? This man wants to buy a copy. I’m doing a sociological study on perversion – up to advanced child molesting. We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!

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I’ve decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes. What do you want me to do, sir? I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West. Take this down: ‘I want rustlers, cut-throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nit-wits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bush-whackers, horn-swagglers, horse-thieves, bull-dykes, train-robbers, bank-robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists!

Excerpt: 'Stop Me If You've Heard This'

If you’re blue, and you don’t know where to go to, why don’t you go where fashion sits? I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Is there someone else up there we could talk to? No, now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.

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What makes you think she’s a witch? Well, she turned me into a newt! It’s sex with someone I love. I went to New York University, and, uhm, I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final.

You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child.

I know we’ve only known each other for four weeks and three days, but to me, it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? We’re on a mission from God.

Excerpt: 'Stop Me If You've Heard This'

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The royal penis is clean, your Highness! But where in New York can one find a woman with grace, elegance, taste and culture? A woman suitable for a king. Thank you for a memorable afternoon. Usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.

A real woman could stop you from drinking. It’d have to be a real BIG woman. We’ve got a lot of gods. We’ve got a god for everything. The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation, but I hear that that’s coming quickly. Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur.

Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Unger, didn’t you serve under Oveur in the Air Force? Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn. So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn. So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn. Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.

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I think you’re all f–ked in the head. We’re ten hours from the f–kin’ fun park and you wanna bail out. This is no longer a vacation. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much f–kin’ fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our god-damn smiles. I have an interesting case, treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities.

I’m getting paid by eight people. I got thrown out of a window! What’s the f–kin’ charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? We’ve been goin’ about this all wrong. He’s a sailor, he’s in New York. We get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble! We got seventy dollars, and we got a pair of girls underpants.

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This is a great social opportunity for us. Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder? Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond. Cause if it leaks to the V.

Excerpt: 'Stop Me If You've Heard This'

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Let’s do what one shepherd said to the other shepherd. Let’s get the flock outta here. I’m a mog – half man, half dog. To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you.

I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape? Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? The central message of Buddhism is not ‘Every man for himself.

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And the London Underground is not a political movement. Jane, since I’ve met you, I’ve noticed things that I never knew were there before birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! Let me help you with that. I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass and I’m all out of bubblegum. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Last week, I discovered the early stages of crow’s feet.

Excerpt: 'Stop Me If You've Heard This'

Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it’s marchin’ across your face. Some people play hard to get. I’d always loved Jazz, ‘cuz she despised me for who I truly am. It’s like that time we were at her parents’ wedding anniversary and I told that joke: ‘What’s the definition of vagina? The box a penis comes in.

See, women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place. I couldn’t believe it was her. But there she was, just as I remembered her. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room.

And breasts that seemed to say: ‘Hey! She was the kind of woman that made you want to drop to your knees, and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. You’re lookin’ at her like she was your mother, for Christ’s sake.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic and so am I. That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you – but I’m not going to. If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

Wait, but you said you only had sex with three different guys. Because I never had sex with him. We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.

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Why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys? Because I did only have sex with three different guys. That doesn’t mean I didn’t just go with people. Oh my God, I feel so nauseous! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that’s all you said! How many dicks have you sucked? All right, shut up a second and I’ll tell you!

I didn’t freak out like this when you told me how many girls you f–ked! This is different, this is important. Wait a minute, what is that anyway? Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin’ like this — and totally redeem yourself! Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listenin’ to her enough, or somethin’. I don’t know, I wasn’t really payin’ attention.

Of course I peed my pants, everybody my age pees their pants. You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants. If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis. God gave men brains larger than dogs’ so they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

What is the full form form of planning?

Fat guy in a little coat. You little son of a bitch, ball! Why you don’t you just go HOME? Are you too good for your HOME? The one with no make-up and baggy clothes who loves ‘the perfect bite’. Or even physical attraction because she wasn’t uh, uh although l-I thought she was quite beautiful.