Fun Ways to Teach Division to Kids
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Cracked only offers comment voting to subscribing members. If you’re already an awesome Cracked subscriber, click here to login. What Would The Netflix Movie Theaters Be Like? The Best, Most Underrated Lines From Shows And Movies, Pt. Whether you’re introducing your children to the wonderful world of film or merely trying to get them to shut the hell up for 90 minutes so you can do some laundry, there’s a lot of good to be found in children’s movies. Most try to teach a heartwarming life lesson, thereby saving you the hassle of actually doing some parenting. The Lego Movie proved that shameless advertising can still be fun and whimsical, as long as you don’t look too closely.
Because if you do, you’ll realize that it’s depressingly existential. Everything is pointless, and soon you will die! The movie tries to tell us that everyone is unique and special. We learn that Morgan Freelegoman’s prophecy was made up and there was no special individual destined to stop the villainous Lord Business. Remember, the entire Lego world we witness exists in Will Farrell’s basement. How can everyone be talented and interesting when Ferrell and his kid decide what skill sets people get and what adventures they go on?
How can everyone be extraordinary when they only have so much time to devote to each figure? Some characters will simply never achieve greatness, and there’s not a damn thing they can do about it. That’s a painful realization that most adults come to over the course of many years, but since part of raising children is trying to make their lives easier than you had it, why not teach it to your kids in about two hours? Tim Burton’s Charlie And The Chocolate Factory serves as an allegory for how children are treated in the presence of a respected icon. While Johnny Depp denies it, there are clear parallels between his portrayal of Wonka and Michael Jackson. They’re both wealthy, eccentric, and lonely. Now, aside from Charlie, the kids who get into Wonka’s factory are little shits, but who can blame them?
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Their parents should be the ones keeping them in line. Instead, they put the fame and fortune that would come with Wonka’s prize above their offspring’s own safety. From the moment Augustus Gloop is sucked away into a river of chocolate and nearly drowned, their first priority should be to get the hell out of Candy Dodge. Why yes, I would like this delicious bribe, thank you! And not to dampen your spirits further, kids, but it’s not only your parents who will neglect you. While the media is normally all over sad stories about children, they don’t really care if you’ve been horrifically scarred by a celebrity.
If you spin blue three times in Twister, she suddenly appears to eat your souls. Mike Teavee is now a freakishly tall two-dimensional being. A ton of people are waiting outside, and everyone seems pretty chill about the parade of traumatized freak shows walking out of a multi-millionaire’s factory. The movie ends with Wonka suffering no punishment. He gets to enjoy dinner with Charlie and his family, who are now helping him run the factory. Either they somehow see zero issues with the man, or the giant piles of money they now sleep on help them get over it. Wonka has mentally and physically scarred four children and their parents, and is never brought to justice for it because his work is too beloved.
What’s not to love about The Sandlot’s precocious gang of misfits who work together and overcome their fears to prove that something something baseball? The movie puts its kid heroes through all the standard coming-of-age trials, like standing up to your rivals, learning to take responsibility for your actions, and, uh, sexually harassing girls. When the gang goes to the pool, Squints expresses his love for the lifeguard, Wendy. It’s funny because she’s a hot older girl and he’s a total dweeb. How would they ever get together?
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He wears glasses, like a neeeeeeeeeerrrrrrd. Obviously, his only option is to fake drowning so that Wendy will rescue him. Then, as she performs CPR, he brings her in for a kiss. If you’re thinking something along the lines of “Don’t be so sensitive. Kids do stupid stuff like that all the time!
But elsewhere, the movie shows the consequences to irresponsibility. The kids try chewing tobacco, and it immediately makes them puke all over a carnival ride. In between making movies about vampires and making movies about Predators, Robert Rodriguez made four Spy Kids movies that are, in order: remarkable, enjoyable, forgettable, and terrible. You can hopefully guess the premise by the title. Joseph Kony’s Lord’s Resistance Army, the Khmer Rouge, and the goddamn Nazis, to name a few of many examples. It would be one thing if Carmen and Juni went on this zany adventure to protect themselves and rescue their parents, everyone had a good laugh about it, and then the kids went back to their normal routine of homework and video games. Do you have your emergency cyanide capsules?
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George Clooney sees no problem with asking pre-pubescent children to go on dangerous espionage missions. Hell, he forms an entire division of child spies and has them compete against each other. Sure, the kids are willing, but that shouldn’t matter — kids are also willing to subsist entirely on whipped cream and adopt pet lions, because kids don’t know what’s good for them. We’re trying to save you from this hell!
The second and third movies are basically Carmen and Juni repeatedly almost meeting their maker through contrived slapstick, and their parents always go along with it. Then, in the fourth movie, the now-older Carmen and Juni revitalize the child spy division and mentor a new pair of pipsqueak agents who have to save the world from annihilation despite not yet having mastered long division. Matilda is a beloved Roald Dahl story about a little girl who’s neglected by her parents and abused by her principal, but eventually develops telekinetic powers, gets wacky revenge, and is adopted by her kindly teacher. Harry Potter is about exactly what you already know it’s about.
Why, here’s Harry with Professor Dumbledore. Both Harry and Matilda get shit upon for the entirety of their young lives, and they both do absolutely nothing about it. Enough with your gibberish wizard sayings. Sure, someone eventually rescues Harry, but he did nothing to make that happen. He just had to wait his suffering out until someone handed him magical powers.
But what if he had been a muggle? Or, you know, a real person? No friendly giant would ride in on a motorcycle to rescue him. He’d keep suffering until he finally worked up the nerve to tell someone. Or worse, never tell someone and grow up to be an emotionally stunted man incapable of functioning in polite society. Hell, in Matilda the abuse spans generations.
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Honey, was raised by her abusive aunt and Matilda’s principal, Ms. Honey didn’t do a damn thing about the abuse — she just moved out, lived an isolated life, and got a job working alongside the woman who, oh yeah, murdered her father. It’s only though Matilda’s sudden, unexpected, and completely unexplained telekinetic powers that Trunchbull’s reign of terror is stopped. When Mike isn’t busy ruining your favorite childhood movies, he’s cracking jokes and promoting his sketch comedy videos over on Twitter. We’re not here to tell you how to live your life. There’s plenty of bad lessons Hollywood is trying to shove down our throats.
Whether you’re looking for something new to do with your family or want to revisit an adventure you’ve enjoyed before, you’re sure to find something exciting to do together. Why Bring Fun to Your Family? With 205 articles on the site, each hand-picked to promote fun, adventure and togetherness among parents and kids, you’re sure to find activities your family will love. This list will help narrow it down. Just choose something that looks like fun and do it with your kids. Bring fun to your family now and build a lifetime of happy memories.
My Kids’ Adventures won’t be publishing any new articles, but the site and the podcasts will always be available so you can keep on connecting with your kids and bringing fun to your family. Check out this video from our founder. Choose where you’d like to have an adventure with your kids—at home or in the great outdoors, in your backyard or neighborhood or even in your car—and check below for a few activities that are sure to please. It’s an activity you can do anytime, anywhere!
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You just need a list, some willing kids and a camera. Instead of collecting items, you collect photos. Afterwards, we shared the photos with our families who live far away. Aunts, uncles and cousins from Guatemala to Chicago and across Canada enjoyed seeing the world of bugs through my boys’ eyes. Give kids a list of things to find in nature and set them loose with a camera for a photo scavenger hunt. We had a great time doing and writing about Geocaching With Kids because it was a totally new experience for our family and it made such an impression on the kids. In geocaching, kids take turns with a smartphone to guide the group to its destination.
I chose How to Build Sand Structures With Your Kids by Holly Chessman and Sand Castle Secrets by Jane Douglas-Jones. How much fun is the beach? These activities make a beach adventure even more fun! Make a ball run next time you’re at the beach.
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I recommend 6 Ways to Explore the Nighttime Sky With Your Kids by Jacquie Fisher. I like this one because you can do it almost all year-round. The night sky is full of wonders to explore with your family. This was something I did as a kid, so I have some great stargazing memories that are fun to share with my grandkids. Click here to find more adventure anywhere. Neighborhood You don’t need to buy a lot of expensive equipment or go on a grand vacation to enjoy an adventure with your children. If you do nothing else, do one of these!
Treasure hunts and scavenger hunts are quick, simple fun. Our favorite articles are the Glow-in-the-Dark Bowling by Kirsten Nelson and my own Pool Noodle Games article. I’ve enjoyed all of My Kids’ Adventures activities, but those two still get requests to repeat. My grown kids love them too! Bowling in the dark—a great adventure. As a contributor, my favorite article was the Gnome Home. It’s such a simple project, but the imagination and creativity of it lasts for as long as that little home is on the tree.
I walk by ours every day and smile. We only have so much room to display our art projects, so I love seeing this little home in our front yard every day. Make a home for the gnomes who reside in your yard. I love flowers, and How to Help Your Kids Celebrate Spring With a May Day Tradition by Melody Joy Elick is a great way to surprise someone with a lovely floral basket on May Day or anytime.
Surprise someone with flowers on May Day or any day! With this adventure, you get two treats in one: choosing the flowers and then surprising someone with them. Community Service There’s a lot you can do with your children in any community, large or small. Here are some of our favorite activities to do around town.
Some promote community service and some are just for fun. Amanda Shaw’s Farmer’s Market Treasure Hunt adds an element of fun and education to your food shopping. Hone them with the Farmer’s Market Treasure Hunt. The Kindness Bouquet by Kim Vij is a great way to combine crafts with not-so-random acts of kindness for a neighbor, a teacher or someone else in your community. It’s a fun project and a gift that keeps on giving! Write out kindness gifts on slips of paper and give a bouquet full to someone you appreciate. We’ve done the Community Cleanup Scavenger Hunt with our Cub Scout pack and as a family.
The kids really get into the competitive aspect of it. Cleaning up trash is a lot more fun when you turn it into a scavenger hunt. The podcast episode, Service Adventures: How to Get Your Kids Excited About Helping Others includes practical examples from Dr. Deborah Gilboa of how she and her kids give back as a family. I did the Arctic Adventure Tubs by Amanda Shaw with my kids and they loved it. Everyone I tell about this adventure says that it’s too cool!
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Create an arctic adventure land for your animals and play until it melts. How to Entertain Your Kids for Hours With Adventure Tubs by KJ Ammerman. My son and I had fun squishing our hands through this and he loved it when Grandma hosed him off afterwards. Try adventure tubs for squishy, sensory fun together. One of our favorite activities is How to Make Stained Glass Kids’ Art With Fall Leaves by Sarah Shipley. It was this article and experience with my daughter that inspired me to contribute my own creative articles.
I thought that if I could share that type of experience with others too, how fantastic would that be? Fall Leaf Stained Glass is a favorite activity among several authors and editors. Readers have loved How to Create a Comic Strip With Your Kids in 7 Easy Steps by Michael Corley. He takes you all the way through the process—from creating characters and a storyline to drawing, lettering and producing a comic strip to publishing your comic online—all illustrated with fun pictures of his daughter and her lizard, Fluffy. Find something to create a comic strip about, like a hobby or a favorite pet.