Puppets Around the World
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Cracked only offers comment voting to subscribing members. If you’re already an awesome Cracked subscriber, click here to login. The Best, Most Underrated Lines From Shows And Movies, Pt. If we’ve ever made you laugh or think, we now have a way where you can thank and support us! My name is Veronica Chaos, and I’m a ventriloquist clown camgirl. That sounds like a random string of words I just made up, but what it means is that I make my living performing hilariously horrifying sex acts with my dummy, Slappy, on the Internet. This is the kind of job that could only exist in the 21st century, so maybe it would be helpful to explain how a person can wind up in a vocation that leaves their home covered in smears of rainbow clown makeup and dummy semen.
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Eh, I’d rather him than Jonah Hill. I started as a regular, garden-variety stripper at a club, and it was all right for a while, but eventually it started to wear on me. Creative control over my performance boiled down to “slutty nurse or slutty schoolgirl,” the pay wasn’t that great, and the management wasn’t the most professional, if you know what I mean. Then I started doing it from home and live streaming it, but I immediately found that a lot of girls had the same idea. But you only see the ones floating at the top — most users never make it to Page 2 of the site I use, and only the most popular girls get Page 1. I’m a hardcore Trekkie, so at first I tried to stand out by marketing myself as a “geek girl.
There were only 10 to 20 people in my “room” at any given time, and I found my site ranking falling every day. It was time for something new. Honestly, I was just really lonely and wanted someone to talk to. Of course anybody can buy a dummy and have it sit on her lap next to her boobs — to make him talk, that takes skill. And I intended to go all the way. So, I got a how-to book about ventriloquism that was disappointingly not named Dummies for Dummies and started practicing nonstop, on and off camera.
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I should put that thing on my forehead, because I’m a damn unicorn. More often than not, people would stop by, chuckle, and move on, but a surprising percentage of them consistently stick around. This new support emboldened me to take my act to the next level, and I started thinking about doing live in-person performances. I wanted a better puppet, though — you can’t use a dark raven in a dark theater — and my memory drifted fondly back to my childhood love of the Goosebumps novels, particularly Night of the Living Dummy and its star, Slappy.
I was overjoyed to find out that, all these years later, you can actually buy Slappy replicas on Amazon, because it’s just a wonderful, weird world out there, you guys. That’s when things started getting out of hand. There are some shocking things you learn about people when you give them total anonymity and permission to issue commands directly from Captain Bonerpants, and one of those things is that they will ask you to fuck whatever they can think of, regardless of how unsexy that might actually be or whether it violates the very laws of physics. Anything and everything that people can see in my apartment, I’ve been asked to fuck. Can you fuck that water bottle? How much for UV and KY coating? It was only a matter of time until someone showed up, presumably glassy-eyed and with 74 other tabs open, and idly asked, “Can you fuck that dummy?
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You have to understand, in these sorts of group cam situations, where you’ve got one girl and any number of viewers, it’s kind of a party environment. What I’m saying is, don’t act like you’ve never fucked anything you weren’t proud of on Sunday morning. You know what, let’s make an event of this. On the site I use, you can advertise special shows to people who aren’t in your room at the time, complete with a countdown, so I sent out a broadcast of “HEY EVERYONE, I’MMA FUCK DIS DUMMY IN ‘BOUT FIE MINUTES, YOU GONNA WANNA SEE DIS SHIT” or something equally eloquent.
Barnum ain’t got shit on me. The response was huge — so much bigger than I anticipated. Suddenly, my room was swarmed with more viewers than I had ever seen before who did indeed wanna see dat shit. I didn’t really have much of a choice at that point. I did what needed to be done.
Have you ever woken up after a night you can only remember in art house-movie jump cuts to find yourself sleeping next to a nightmare of a person? The next morning was kind of like that, except he was a literal nightmare and not a person. I was really embarrassed about that show for a long time, for all the reasons you would expect, but most of all because I actually liked it. Don’t you just hate it when you discover you have a horrifying fetish in front of hundreds of people?
Once you go wood, there’s nothing as good. I was sort of in denial about it for a while. I kept performing with Slappy, but for a few months, it was strictly platonic. It got really awkward in the exact same way that going crazy and falling into bed with a friend can get awkward, which didn’t do much for the loneliness that was the reason I took it up in the first place.
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Great,” I thought, “not even my dummy will talk to me. But it was just a matter of time until things turned sexual again, as will happen with a ventriloquist dummy with a dildo attached to it, and once again, my viewership went way up. The market for this sort of thing was so much bigger than I ever imagined — those 10 to 20 people in the room at any given time is now in the hundreds, sometimes even over 1,000. Hey, after this, how about we go back to my place and play Pinocchio and Geppetto? To keep my routine fresh, I started writing skits and eventually full-blown storylines. One of my favorites that we did recently was on Valentine’s Day, when I had Slappy propose to me. The entire wedding planning process and eventually the wedding itself will be done on camera.
Yeah, I’ve actually picked up a wide range of theatrical skills in my never-ending quest for novelty, from stage special effects to sewing to building props. Probably the most frustrating one was that damn blood-ejaculating dildo. If you didn’t know such a thing existed, the ejaculating dildo is a camgirl staple. The first time I tried it, though, it went so hilarious wrong. First of all, that dildo was a nightmare to attach in the first place — I tried superglue, duct tape, everything I could think of, but I ended up in tears of frustration that I can’t get this stupid dildo to stop falling off my dummy, so that’s one problem that no one else has ever had ever. And the act just keeps getting more elaborate — when it’s the middle of the night, I’ve been drinking, I’m juggling the lighting, the poses, the camera angles, sometimes literally juggling, it gets pretty chaotic.
I can’t rent an apartment without hardwood floors — between the makeup and the cum and all manner of goopy things that come splattering out of my act, I’d have to shampoo the carpet on an hourly basis. As bizarre as it sounds, I’ve begun to think of Slappy as not only a real person, but my partner. I’m actually finding myself getting cold feet about our upcoming “wedding. One time, when he got lost after a live in-person performance, I was beyond distressed — as upset as I would be if a loved one disappeared. When he turned up in a bar, I thought to myself, “Oh sure, just get drunk and wander off, that’s just great. Ultimately, though, my work is extremely liberating and cathartic.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a bit nuts — you’d have to be, to do this kind of work. As a “straight” camgirl, I couldn’t express that side of myself without fear of losing customers, but people expect the weird clown girl to be insane. I can have a crazy episode and people just think it’s part of the act. Veronica Chaos performs online every weekend, and you can follow her on Twitter. Amanda Mannen is a dick joke journalist, workshop moderator, and feature contributor here at Cracked, as well as an editor and Twitterer.
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Gradually increasing volume until Sing finally gets the point. Oh man, I just don’t know what I’m gonna do my grades are terrible! I mean I got like three or 5 A’s and a B. 6 grades, oh yeah I got C on my stinkin’ photography test! I mean I got a C— I thought my picture of that roadrunner over at Dex’s house was at least worth an A triple plus! I bet it was cause I had to use the school camera and not my own.
What in the world am I gonna do? Man I thought I heard something. So anyway, as I was saying, I also got Sally all mad at me. She all sayin that I was mean to her or something, and I don’t even know what she’s talking about but one thing’s for sure, she’s not saying anything now cause she flat out stopped talking to me!
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Man oh man what am I gonna do? Then I found out that Greenie stole all my Reece’s Pieces! I really love those things and now I got to deal with being mad at Greenie. Huh, course I probably shouldn’t have been so careless and just left them lying around on the table while my back was turned. But it really makes me mad!
Sometimes it feels like I just can’t trust anybody, even when it is my own fault. Maybe I need to clean my ears out cause it sounds like I’m hearing voices. I’m grounded because of my stinkin’ little sister! You’ll never believe what she did to me! I mean she’s only like 9 years old, not old enough to go to a Jr. Besides, that’s not cool taking your baby sister to the dance so I told her not on her life. Then to make matters even worse I didn’t get the lead in the end of the year centennial play, can you imagine that?
I did a pretty good job, even if I didn’t have someone sing the other dudes’ part. Talk about adding insult to injury! The told me that maybe I should take some singing lessons, oh yeah, and acting lessons too! I keep hearing the same thing over and over, I wonder if someone’s trying to tell me something?