Trying to Explain Going Paleo to Your Parents, in 19 GIFs
Please forward this error screen to sharedip-10718044127. Last week, I decided to try Soylent. Soylent is a high-protein drink designed to appeal to lifehackers, dieters, and doomsday cult members who are maybe a little shy and don’t want to come out of their bunker for trying to Explain Going Paleo to Your Parents, in 19 GIFs meals.
It has an incredibly long shelf-life, and provides you nutrition without all the pesky side-effects that food usually has, like chewing, tasting like something, and being an excuse for human interaction. As a bonus, it also apparently gives you raging diarrhea, but I’m getting ahead of myself. So I thought, Why don’t I drink something that is marginally better than bleach and instead of dying, I’ll write about it? I hope you take a moment from your non-stop rage masturbation to reflect on how much I appreciate you. It’s a drinkable meal replacement created by computer developers with absolutely zero background in nutrition or culinary sciences. Living off a diet of frozen corn dogs and ramen, they grew frustrated with the effort and cost associated with purchasing, preparing, and consuming food that was neither healthy nor enjoyable. Now, you can understand why I was slightly concerned about ingesting something developed by guys who felt that the prep work for corn dogs and ramen was too much for them.
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Also, please explain to me how much time and effort is possibly spent purchasing those food items. You can literally buy them at a gas station. Let me be clear: my body is not a temple. Today I’ve consumed a spoonful of raw cookie dough, and two slices of blueberry pie. At the time of me writing this, it is 9:57am. My eating habits roughly resemble those of someone who is high, because I am, in fact, often high.
But all of it was homemade and goddamn delicious. The point is, I derive a lot of joy from food because I’m not a sociopath. In the movie, there’s a massive food shortage, and Soylent is the food replacement that everyone eats, and the most popular flavor is Soylent Green, which Heston’s character discovers is actually made from human flesh. I’m going to repeat that, in case that paragraph was so batshit crazy that your brain rejected it. WE SHOULD NAME OUR PROCESSED FOOD AFTER THAT. Are we all on the same page of this ludicrous book titled Oh My God, What is Happening? The Experiment I decided to replace two meals a day with Soylent every day for a week.
There’s a caffeinated variant, if you want to avoid a high-maintenance lifestyle that requires you to drink coffee. I ordered a 12-pack from the Internet, and a few days later it arrived on my doorstep. The box said that I didn’t need to refrigerate Soylent, and that pregnant women should consult a doctor before drinking it, and you shouldn’t have arguments with your spouse within earshot of the package because it will anger the Soylents inside. Also, you are cautioned not to drink too much of the stuff. The actual label of the product tells you to maybe not drink it.
Hey maybe this is a bad idea. Maybe slow down and consider some carrot sticks. I took a look at the ingredients and it was basically a list of characters from The Hunger Games. Never one to pass up an opportunity to drink canola oil mixed with rice starch, I started the project. 9:37 am: I take my first sip. Soylent tastes like milk left over in Lucky Charms, minus the sweetness. 9:41: Holy crap this bottle is huge.
9:50: You know, it isn’t that bad. I could do this for a week. 10:10: This is probably just my body releasing toxins or something. 11:15: Oh my god, so many toxins. 12:43 pm: I think it’s over. 1:04 pm: I live in the toilet now.
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2:14 pm: There is absolutely no way I’m drinking another Soylent today. 5:04 pm: I have a raging migraine, which I think is maybe an improvement? Ha ha ha ha ha ha, yeah right like I’m going to drink another Soylent today. I have to meet with a mortgage broker.
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Emotional state: So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’m wondering if maybe humans have been eating real food since they started existing for a reason? And if maybe two guys with zero background in nutrition, the culinary arts, or food technology should not be designing indigestible science projects? I don’t know, just spitballin’ here. No, screw you, I’m eating nachos. Emotional state: Intense anxiety at the prospect of having to consume another bottle of Soylent. Soylent and blaming it for three days of subsequent farting. 10:01 am: I am cowering from the fridge, which has historically been one of my best friends.
10:31 am: I open up the second Soylent of my life. Peeling back the wrapper, I am reminded of Pandora opening her box. The box, in this instance, is my poop hole. 10:59: My intestines are just a shaken bottle of soda at this point. 11:02: I sit and watch my husband eat a bagel. I have never hated him more than I do at this precise moment.
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It’s made of resentment and broken promises. It took me an hour and it was mostly unpleasant, so it’s basically like the first few times I had sex except it took 58 minutes longer. 1:00 pm: I have not pooped and it feels like a triumph. 2:15 pm: Ask husband if I have to open up another Soylent. Him, with a pitying look on his face.
For, like, science or whatever the hell it is you’re doing? 2:20 pm: Open up my second Soylent of the day. 4:43 pm: I’m basically engaging in a game of chicken with my sphincter at this point. 9:24 pm: After a evening spent eating actual food, I find myself doubled over with cramps. Intense, unprecedented, I feel like the diner scene from Alien but the thing that pops out of my abdomen is going to be a bottle of Soylent cramps. Yes, I am well aware this is from Spaceballs.
You didn’t want the gif from the real movie. 10:06 pm: I have openly started weeping. 11:22 pm: I can’t sleep because I’m scared I will die. 11:26 pm: HOW COULD CORNDOG GOURMANDS WITH A CANNIBALISM FETISH LEAD ME ASTRAY? Emotional state: Anger, frustration, and intense fear that eventually gave way to resignation as I accepted the inevitably of my own death.
I’m super psyched about any food that I can eat with one hand because that means I can use my other hand to hold more food. The problem is that most of what we eat nowadays isn’t even food to begin with. Everything has been so processed that it bears little resemblance to the living organisms that created it. It’s true of even meat and vegetables. But Soylent takes things a step further. I’m used to seeing a weird list of ingredients on junkfood wrappers, but a Soylent box only has two or three recognizable ingredients, and it’s supposed to be a meal. Also, IT IS NOT CONVENIENT TO SPEND HALF OF YOUR DAY ON THE TOILET.
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Some websites tell me that your body needs to get acclimated to Soylent and after a while the diarrhea dies down but I feel like that should not be a threshold you have to cross in order to have breakfast. Do I enjoy having my butt turned into a poop geyser that I’ve affectionately nicknamed Old Squirtful? But is it worth it for the convenience of not having to chew? I’ll leave Soylent to those with stronger stomachs while I keep enjoying actual food that’s a little more complicated to prepare. But hey, at least it’s still food.
Never miss a post Get new blog posts delivered straight to your inbox. It can be rich, and filled with all the positives you mentioned. Food can also be a weapon of self destruction. A crutch to lean on when you have none of these positives, and not a helpful one. Food can be engineered to make you crave it like herion, or seem so delicious when in fact it’s just unimaginable poison that robs you of reproductive abilities and fills you with carcinogens. Plenty of food and meals are designed to be grab and go with no care whether you eat one or 1000. Plenty of companies that could care less if their products contribute to compulsive eating, obiesity, heart disease, anxiety, a variety of cancers, or diabetes.
I meal prep myself, which means I make bulk meals generally with fresh never frozen produce, tubers, and poultry or fish. The idea is that it makes it easy to make a better choice when faced with cake, big Macs, or one of any number of tempting morsels, because I know I have a meal properly portioned and ready when I need it. I suspect these gentleman were trying to design a alternative along that ilk. Your article was funny, but you seem to be a person at balance with your passion. A programmer might sit at a screen hacking away at a problem for 21 straight hours before breaking. A obese person may feel craving as powerful as any biological drive can be. I liken your experiment to a person who has never tried a tobacco product in their life slapping a whole pack of nicotine patches on their arm to learn how to quit smoking.
Or like a person who’s never tried tobacco, smokes a cigar, then feels like crap after the second inhalation. So funny, hope you are feeling better! I’m betting at some point, you suggested that Rand try a bottle of this wonder elixir. 10 bottles of this wonderful stuff squirreled away, don’t you think it’s time to perform a mental inventory? Who has really pissed you off lately, who’d be naive enough to accept a gift bottle of instant-weight-loss?
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This is exactly the reason I read your blog! BTW, I am sorry if anyone feels offended about the representation of Soylent on this article. Soylent is an awesome and convenient way to replace a meal when you are too busy or dieting. It never makes you feel too full, and gives you boost in energy. I’ve had a subscription for a year now.
Yeah, it doesn’t taste like much, but that’s how it’s marketed. Yes, by all means, if you want to know more do your research. But, trigger warning, if your own opinions are so fragile as to be unable to withstand gentle mockery, the Internet might not be for you. Hypocrisy alert, you only replied because you must have felt offended. That comment was to do with the piss poor quality of this article. It sounds like it was written by an adult baby. Thank you for so vehemently making my case.
I grant you right of first-refusal, in perpetuity, on verbally abusing me. You don’t like the idea of soylent to begin with, but you decide to try it. You try it and get diarrhea. Instead of calling the company to complain that perhaps there is something wrong with your batch, you try it a second time just so you can confirm what you already wanted to believe about soylent anyway, that it’s terrible. Of all the articles that have talked about soylent, both positively and negatively, this is one of the least informative.
You didn’t actually give soylent a try. You just saw an opportunity to make fun of a product that you don’t agree with. Anyone who actually wants to learn something about soylent would gain nothing from reading this. Not as pointless as your comment. Actually, Google suggested it to me. And I don’t really care if someone speaks negatively about soylent.
I have no stock in the company, after all. As I pointed out above, this post has no useful information about soylent, but I’m sure it is of value if you are just interested in reading about bowel movements. It’s a personal account of one person’s experience with the stuff. For someone who doesn’t care about who’s speaking negatively about the product, you certainly felt a need to give advice on how she got her feelings and informal methodology wrong. She was skeptical of the product, yet tried it anyway. Turns out she had good reason to be skeptical about it.
There are plenty of places to learn about Soylent if that’s your concern-troll for the day. Some information is from the manufacturer’s glowing descriptions. Some from articles about product recalls. When other food reviewers write about reacting poorly to a particular food product, do you write in and tell them to keep trying it? Now get out of my room. If you spend any time on this blog at all, you’ll see that this post is right in line with the author’s style and sensibility.
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The title shouldn’t be taken literally. I kind of need to know before tomorrow. Did you really expect her to keep drinking it? Smith asked how many times would count in your mind as being an acceptable try? This article is the least informative? Debatable but let’s just pretend you’re correct.
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Are you really looking for in depth science or nutrition writing from a travel blogger who writes about museum trips, her husband, not wearing pants, and her love of cupcakes? Just takes a bit of critical thinking skills to figure out which sources are good for various types of info. It’s a personal blog, man, not a nutrition journal. You realize you’re literally doing the same thing with this blog post that you accuse the writer of doing with Soylent? You get that this is a comedic blog, right? Have a double tomorrow, you seem to be a bit backed up, yourself.
Well, I think it’s delicious and convenient, but to each his own. Fun fact though, stay on it for about two weeks straight and you start to feel like your body just switched from unleaded to jet fuel. Friend, if I stayed on it for two weeks straight, I’d die. My stomach behaves entirely fine under virtually all circumstances.
I try a product that is known to cause gastrointestinal distress. You suggest I get a fecal transplant. Keep your shit to yourself, Peter. He was NOT suggesting you get one.
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Not sure how that could have possibly been misinterpreted that badly. Perhaps it was womanmisunderstood after having been mansplained. She’s FUNNY, is the fucking point, and you are not. And bacterial flora has a huge impact on the way each one of us react to food and medication. It even impacts how for example chronic illnesses manifest on each person.