50 Jokes from Children That Are Crazy Funny
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Hey, why can’t I vote on comments? Cracked only offers comment voting to subscribing members. If you’re already an awesome Cracked subscriber, click here to login. What Would The Netflix Movie Theaters Be Like? The Best, Most Underrated Lines From Shows And Movies, Pt. If we’ve ever made you laugh or think, we now have a way where you can thank and support us! Why would anyone want to make a blonde joke?
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If you can knock the cock out of her mouth, first. They’re even funnier because they’re true. A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?
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She says, “No, I’m really a blonde. A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I`ve kidnapped you.
She then wrote a note saying, “I`ve kidnapped your kid. 10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. 10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.
Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV. The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
I would like to buy this TV. Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde? Because that’s a microwave,” he replied. Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind? Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?
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Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes? Because they go answer the door. What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw? There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde.
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Which one had the best figure? What’s the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl? The blonde girl’s sperm count is higher. Why don’t blondes like to breast feed their children?
Because it hurts when they boil their nipples. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? What do you call an intelligent blonde? What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth! What’s the difference between peanut butter and a blonde? Peanut butter is difficult to spread. Why do blondes have more fun? They’re easier to find in the dark. Why do blondes like tilt steering? A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished? The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger. Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then . Let’s put all these Frosties back in the box. A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead.
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The top 100 funny jokes on earth that will make you laugh your as off! Top 100 Laugh Your Ass Off Jokes”,”description”:”The top 100 funny jokes on earth that will make you laugh your as off! You can thank SpartanX 2013 website: spartanxx. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
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Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right – only who is left. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
What’s my mother going to do? A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on itso I said “Implants? The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”.
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I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
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Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
What we need is idiot control. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying. Just rememberif the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.