Toilet Jokes

30th July 2018OffByRiseNews

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Then submit an article or some other pieces of content. Hey, why can’t I vote on comments? Cracked only offers comment voting to subscribing members. If you’re already an awesome Cracked subscriber, click here to login. The Best, Most Underrated Lines From Shows And Movies, Pt. Sometimes a sarcastic misfire can make you come across as a cynical asshole or an insensitive prick.

Toilet Jokes

Other times it can land your ass in front of a judge. So please, before you go down this dark road yourself, let the following cautionary tales remind you that a good chunk of the world really doesn’t like jokes. On his way home from officiating at a hockey tournament in October 2012, 44-year-old NCAA referee Peter Friesema saw a golden opportunity for comic brilliance when the ticket agent was messing with his bags. You can already guess where this is going: Yes, he made a goddamn bomb joke. But my friend’s bag has a bomb in it!

We’re still having you detained for being a fucking idiot. Friesema was also taken to jail, charged with disorderly conduct, and ordered to remain in the Klondike for another six weeks until his next hearing. The judge was out of town for the Iditarod. That last part was particularly bad news for Friesema, who claimed that his many years of service enforcing whatever “rules” hockey pretends to abide by would be lost if he couldn’t return to Colorado sooner, but, as the judge was eager to point out, the order was indeed justified, given just how disorderly Friesema’s conduct had been. 11 was the starting point for “subjects you don’t joke about unless you want to see the cops lock down everything in sight,” let’s give you an example from way back. After a leopard nearly escaped from the Central Park Zoo in the early 1870s, New York Herald editor Thomas Connery decided to expose the zoo’s dangerous practices.

Sure, he could have just written a boring, straightforward editorial on the subject, but that shit doesn’t sell newspapers, baby. So, rather than simply calling out the zookeepers for sucking so bad at their jobs that they couldn’t even transfer an animal between cages without making passersby fear for their lives, Connery asked his writers to create a fake front-page story warning New York’s 1. 4 million citizens that an army of wild animals had escaped from the zoo, had already killed 49 people, and were quickly coming to murder the rest of the city at that very moment. The picture of a man punching a tiger in the face failed to alert readers to parody because this was 1874.

Toilet Jokes

10,000 words long and occupied six full columns. And, save for one tiny paragraph at the bottom of the last page, there was no mention whatsoever that the catastrophe might possibly be made up and that maybe people shouldn’t drop everything to prepare for the terrifying animal apocalypse soon to be heading their way. I don’t see how scaring the shit out of people through mass media could possibly backfire. The joke was picked up on by approximately no one, as most readers were far too busy loading their weapons or retrieving their kids from school to bother reading the entire article. By all accounts, the article caused widespread panic throughout the city. Armed men rushed into the streets, ready to defend their homes. Reporters were dispatched to cover the story.

Jesse Doogan

Parents rushed to bring their children back from school. Don’t give that lion the pleasure of tasting fear. If you watched television in the 1990s, you may remember this Pepsi commercial and the contest that went with it. It’s pretty standard “win shitty prizes for buying our product” fare — the ad was for the “Pepsi Stuff” reward program and showcased various items viewers could redeem their points for, including T-shirts, sunglasses, and, apparently, the cool, rebellious spirit of a young Marlon Brando. Then, in the name of hilarity, the ad threw in a joke prize at the end.

33 million Harrier II fighter jet, then, apparently, use said jet to somehow still not get to school on time. Between filing flight plans and following air traffic control, it’s not the time saver you’d think. Although they did omit the Harrier from the official catalog of prizes, at no point did Pepsi ever come right out and say, “Oh yeah, and that part about us somehow being authorized to issue fully functional, state-of-the-art military aircraft to anyone who drinks roughly 17,000 years’ worth of soda? John Leonard, a 21-year-old business student from Seattle, saw that ad and immediately jumped off his couch, snapped his fingers, and declared, “Oh hell no! They’re not getting away with this shit!

1 Harrier Jet” handwritten at the bottom of the “Item” column. We have an exclusive deal with Coke. And that’s how Pepsi’s stupid throwaway joke at the end of an advertisement wound up keeping them tied up in court for three years. It wasn’t until 1999 that a federal court finally made official a settlement in which Leonard agreed to withdraw his claim. 90,000 in legal fees defending the case. In 1982, Avon Books published a spoof L.

14 “That Oedipus Thing? Man, I Thought I Had Problems!”

Bean catalog created by humor writer Alfred Gingold entitled “Items from Our Catalog. It was filled with ridiculous items for “sale,” such as edible moccasins and nose warmers. We’d like to draw your attention to the dog bra. Even though most people caught on that it was a joke, neither Gingold nor any of the folks at Avon thought to clarify that none of the items featured in the catalog even existed, let alone were actually for sale, nor did they think to include a small disclaimer anywhere in the thing saying something to the effect of “Please don’t mail us a check or call the phone number on the back of this catalog and try to order any of this shit. First of all, keep in mind that a shitload of people bought this fake catalog. 95 each and even spawned a sequel the following year. Don’t even pretend you wouldn’t buy that mouse-sized shoeboat.

Even stranger is the fact that Avon didn’t even include their real phone number in the catalog, meaning that those several hundred calls were generated by people who looked up the number, no easy feat by 1982 standards. People were that desperate to give Avon their money in exchange for this fictional bullshit. In December 1973, Wisconsin Congressman Harold Froehlich made headlines by publicly complaining that the United States was falling behind on bids to supply toilet paper. OK, so it wasn’t exactly Watergate, but it was a relevant national issue nevertheless.

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You know what’s disappearing from the supermarket shelves? There’s an acute shortage of toilet paper in the United States. Now, this is a great example of how bullshit spreads. A politician exaggerates a problem for political purposes. A comedian exaggerates the claim even further for comedy purposes. And then people accept it as absolute fact.

Toilet Jokes

Over 14 billion people were killed by rabid marmots last year, and Republicans are doing nothing! To be fair, even though it should go without saying that a talk show probably isn’t the most reliable source to get your breaking news, this was 1973. And this is toilet paper we’re talking about here, a necessity so vital that even suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay are allotted 15 sheets per day. How do you think people reacted? This isn’t Angel Soft — it’s Charmin cut with paper towels! You tryin’ to fuck me, man? Carson apologized for the mix-up on air a few nights later, and America never got worked up into a panic over a bullshit rumor ever again.

For more things that didn’t quite pan out the way they were intended to, check out 6 Romantic Gestures That Backfired Horrifically and 6 Acts of Propaganda That Backfired Hilariously. If you’re pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 8 Needlessly Insane Moments from Star Trek. What Would The Netflix Movie Theaters Be Like? Will be used in accordance with our Terms of Use and Privacy Rights.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way. Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down. Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter. I heard Chuck Norris round house kicked Richard Simmons and Simmons sharded Skittles. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.

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Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Sick of paying for broadband that you have to, well, pay for? Sign up today and we’ll send you your TiSP self-installation kit, which includes setup guide, fiber-optic cable, spindle, wireless router and installation CD. You can learn more about TiSP via the links below, or get started now. Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you? Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. The doctor said, “I didn’t say that.

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I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. A man said to a preacher, “That was an excellent sermon, but it was not original. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day the man brought the preacher a dictionary. A fellow tells his ma that there are two holes in his trousers — and then tells her that’s where he puts his feet through. I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,” Do you think I’ll live to be 80? He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine? Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

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I said, “No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy. Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling? He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex? I don’t do any of those things. He looked at me and said, “Then why do you want to live to 80.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself? We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth’, she replied. The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them then?

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The old lady replied, ‘We just love the chocolate around them. What is your handicap these days? I’m a scratch golfer I write down all my good scores and scratch out all my bad ones. Three retirees, each with a hearing! One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it? No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.

And the third man chimed in, “I’m thirsty too, Let’s have a beer. An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession? So then, why are you telling me? Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be,” announced the sixty year old.

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You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out! Ah, that’s nothing,” said the seventy year old. When you’re seventy, you can’t take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran – you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out ! Actually,” said the eighty year old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.

What She’s Got – The Penis Song. Laugh along to the lyrics of his naughty tune! Polly-O String Cheese Classic Commercial hey jimmie give me a cheeze with nothin, nothin? TJ Miller Improvs 4 Straight Minutes Of Old Man Insults In ‘Silicon Valley’ Outtake Silicon Valley Season 3, Ep. A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. I hope you get better, too.